April 01, 2005
New IBM server guarantees 100% uptime / AltaVista adds new translation to BabelFish
Posted by Jess in
Geek Humor
New IBM server guarantees 100% uptime
IBM, in a bold announcement this morning, has announced that it has finally achieved 100% server uptime, guaranteed. What is this amazing technology? Eliminate the server completely.
"If it doesn't exist, than it can't go down," explained IBM's head of development, after extensive testing. "100% uptime achieved." She agreed to this interview while simultaneously pouring champagne for a long-awaited toast of this momentous occasion. "Our clients have spoken. 99.9999% from the iSeries just isn't good enough. It was that last .000000001 percent that kept us up at night. And now we've solved it with the IBM Global Unified NoSeries.
Coming up with the idea was easy", she explained, "hearing all the same jokes over and over again wasn't." When pressed for an explanation, she argued. "Remember in 7th grade algebra, when you first discovered the 'imaginary number', and then tried using the old 'my homework's imaginary too…' line? Picture seventy-five percent of your employee base cracking the same joke simultaneously about work. Not funny."
IBM US has already put in place a migration procedure for all its 300,000 employees to move to the new server. They've all been given a GMail account for email. Their large, overhead-filled accounting packages will be replaced by PayPal, and instant messaging technologies will be replaced by AOL Instant Messenger by late afternoon.
IBM stock soared late this morning as news of the announcement spread the globe. IBM Global Unified NoSeries Express is also available for Small Businesses. This option gives users 10M Hotmail accounts instead of the roomier GMail, and instructions on how to use "Net Send" for instant messaging.
A patent is currently pending.
Corporate speak now an inter-departmental language translation option on AltaVista’s BabelFish.
This new language addition came as a result of demand from ongoing market research. The Sunnyvale, California company AltaVista had long been deciding what language to choose as it's next addition of it's impressive list of invaluable language translation features known as BabelFish.
After long boardroom meetings and thousands of dollars on market research, AltaVista employers came to the unanimous decision after they themselves needed to create the software just so they could understand the results of the market research given to them by the hired consulting company.
"Apparently they were trying to talk to us about their interpretations of the results", said one employee of AltaVista. "We knew it had taken them awhile to get back to us, so we asked why. They started going on about how they had a lot on their plate, and had been trying to keep us in the loop and ping us occasionally about it, but someone over there had dropped the ball. To this day, we still really don't know what language their research indicated we should attack next."
Now that the employees of AltaVista have built their addition to BabelFish, servers have been overloaded as harried employees rush to find out what their corporate managers have been telling them all along.
As for the outside consulting market research company that has not been identified, employees at AltaVista can finally reply to them: "FYI: we apparently aren't on the same page here, but we'll keep you on our radar screen should something come up."
Inspired by this thread over at NotesTips...
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Wow. I thought it was pretty darn good, but I'm even more impressed with the fact that Teresa Nielsen Hayden linked to it: http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/006206.html#006206
I had NO idea who that was... just checked it out. Cool! She's an editor for Tor Publishers, who publishes my favorite fantasy book series, The Sword of Truth by Terry Goodkind. Sweet!
And she probably found it because the High Tech Woman post was on BBSpot.com's daily links. It was very exciting. :-)
