December 20, 2007
Typo or deliberate? posted by Jess
November 18, 2007
The hazards of the work-at-home mom posted by Jess
Being a work at home mom is amazingly wonderful, and I'm SO blessed that I can do it, as there are so many moms out there that can't. But it should definitely come with a warning label.
You might say it's a hazard that numerous times a day, I pray she doesn't start crying while I'm on a conference call.
But it's not.
I'm not scared that clients might think I'm running various Domino servers around my daughter's nap schedule.
I could be a little afraid of not coming off as a professional because my clothes are still in the "in-between stage" and don't quite fit me perfectly, but I'm not.
And no, the hazard doesn't even lie with the fact that I'm hormonal enough right now to have a lack of judgment that could rival that of an inebriated dwarf.
People might be inclined to wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that everything must be spell-checked twice now, as I'm so sleep deprived that I make lots more spelling mistakes than I used to.
But it doesn't.
The hazard isn't even the lack of money when I decide on the spur of the moment that "Wednesday Afternoons Make Great Park Days" and take off with no warning to have fun with my daughter.
In fact, it's not even because it's hard not to feel guilty for working at all, even though I have to in order to do my share to support her.
No, folks, the REAL hazard here of being a work-at-home mom is lifting an HP Proliant server while stepping on noisy motion-sensor baby toys that will start flashing lights and making noise. It's harder than you think to hold onto a server while simultaneously having a minor heart attack.
November 07, 2007
The Mass Motoring Club Spokesbaby posted by Jess
As posted on the Mass Motoring Club website:
... THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM YOUR MMC SPOKESBABY ...
... UM, SPOKESBABY, YOU NEED TO POST YOUR ANNOUNCEMENT ...
... Spokesbaby? ...
... Oh, for Pete's sake, I can't believe I'm actually going to indulge this. 'SpokesOctopus', do you actually have anything useful to say? ...
... SIGH ...
August 07, 2007
Real Men Love the Fifth Element posted by Jess
I found this article via Fark the other day. I think my circle of friends have found a kindred spirit in this author!
Real Men Love the Fifth Element
The entire article is a compendium of all the reasons why this is one of my favorite movies. And I knew I wasn't alone when I was at my friends house (that I didn't know that well) and she announced, "Cheeken GOOD!"
It was a friendship meant to be.
What really hit me about this article was the fact that he stumbled on something that I thought only Matt and I had ever noticed (okay, it was Matt...). There's a scene in which the Priest knocks out Korben (Bruce Willis) in his own home. Matt had noticed the funny look on Bruce's face, and we had a good laugh at the time rewinding it over and over in slow motion. Apparently, this guy noticed it too, and not only does he show you a slow motion video of it there, but he also did the rewind/watch again. I nearly fell off my chair laughing when I read that he did this!
From the loud announcement of "HELM 108!" to the President saying, "Get-out-of-there! I don’ wan’ a issiden!", this article covers most, if not all of the favorite quotes and reasons we love this movie.
Ask me to do my impression of Korben's mother the next time you see me. "Oh Korwben, I never should have pushed you out!"
May 11, 2007
DLM: How to Win at Rocks, Paper, Scissors posted by Jess
One of my favorite blogs, Dumb Little Man (Tips for Life) had a story the other day titled "How to Win at Rocks, Paper, Scissors."
In it, the article (which originally came from Mental Floss Magazine) states that:
1 - Rock is for Rookies
In RPS circles a common mantra is 'Rock is for Rookies' because males have a tendency to lead with Rock on their opening throw. It has a lot to do with idea that Rock is perceived as 'strong and forceful', so guys tend to fall back on it. Use this knowledge to take an easy first win by playing Paper. This tactic is best done in pedestrian matches against someone who doesn't play that much and generally won't work in tournament play.
2 - Scissors on First
The second step in the 'Rock is for Rookies' line of thinking is to play scissors as your opening move against a more experienced player. Since you know they won't come out with rock (since it is too obvious), scissors is your obvious safe move to win against paper or stalemate to itself.
Now, this article didn't make me laugh because I want to learn how to win at RPS. No, it made me laugh because all I could think of was the following:
Man in Black: All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in Black: You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Man in Black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait til I get going!
September 22, 2006
August 15, 2006
Snakes On A Plane - Can I love it before I've seen it? posted by Jess
Snakes on a Plane - I love this movie already, and I haven't even seen it yet.
In all the endless agony of quasi-controversial films, actors in trouble via brushes with the law, lawsuits, bad suits, copyright infringements, eating disorders and the like, this movie brings back something that has long been forgotten to the theater: FUN.
There's been a slew of bad horror movies/thrillers lately, and, in my opinion, I think if they had taken themselves much less seriously they would have been a lot better (aside from the postmodern Scream saga). This movie isn't even out yet, but the fun-factor is palpable. Where has that been all these years? Where did all the glamour of one of my favorite mediums, the big screen, go?
It's seeming to bring back the gloriousness of 'b' movies, the likes of which haven't been seen since, I don't know, Creepshow?
As the FAQ on IMDB says, it has snakes, a plane, Samuel L. Jackson is in it, and it's called "Snakes on a Plane." If you don't get it, then it's not for you. I just love this.
Another reason to love this movie is the connection between the fans and the producers. The producers listened. They've made themselves part of the lore, they embraced it instead of squashing it.
Because of the huge fanbase on the Internet, the producers spent five more weeks reshooting the movie to bring it from a PG13 movie to rated R. They also included a (now) famous line from a fan audio parody, in which a Samuel Jackson voiceover grumbles, "I want these motherf'ing snakes off this motherf'ing plane."
Yes, that's correct. The (now) famous line was never in the original movie, only an audio parody. It just floors me that everyone went back for reshoots to honor the fans and film that scene.
I think that's the main reason why this has made me so happy. I LOVE the movies. And when I read about behind-the-scenes of movies, it's so frustrating to hear about prima-donnas on sets, whining, complaining, complaining about fans, etc. This movie, however, is connected TO the fans. Not against them. And the producers and actors are right onboard with that.
Ironically, the title was changed to something like "Pacific Air Flight 121". Samuel Jackson claimed he had only signed on because of the title, and insisted they change it back.
I thank you, producers, for giving me a movie I've managed to have fun with before it's even released. Sure, the film may be shite. But I've had so much fun this far, I'm willing to forgive it for just about anything.
May 09, 2006
BBspot's Fifth Annual Geek Limerick Contest Results posted by Jess
I submitted it so long ago and then forgot about it. Many thanks to Esther for sending me an email to ask if the Jess Stratton listed there was me!
Every year, my favorite tech-parody site, BBspot.com, holds a Geek Limerick Contest. It's very funny, one year someone even turned the entire Monty Python and the Holy Grail into a Limerick.
My limerick is the third link in the Honorable Mentions category. Be sure to check out all the previous years' winners also!
If you've never hung out at BBspot.com before, you are in for a treat. My favorite feature is the BBloopers section, in which readers submit browser screenshots of unfortunate ad-banner placements.
April 01, 2006
Stop & Shop grocery stores now selling "generic brand" technology posted by Jess
Somerville, MA
The New England based Stop & Shop grocery store chain has long sold generic brand products, such as selling "Sierra Mist" instead of Mountain Dew soda. Other examples include "Tasteeos", the generic version of General Mill's Honey Nut Cheerios, and "Fruity O's", better known as Kellogg's Froot Loops.
Now they are cashing in on the technology industry.
Generic brands, sold with the absence of a brand logo, is a common practice among pharmaceuticals such as CVS and big grocery chains. Many times, the products are created on the same factory line, and split off to get its new brand-free label. To keep costs down, the generic brand is usually free of a few ingredients. Canned fruit cocktail may have less cherries, which are generally the most expensive of the bunch. Generic brand mixed nuts will have a higher ratio of peanuts.
What will make their technology line different, besides being free of the burdens of advertising? An absence of a manual, for one. Technical support will be unavailable, as will warranty service.
Here's what you can look for on the shelves soon at Stop & Shop: a cell phone device capable of email will be a small unit known simply as "The Raspberry". Customers can have their choice of in-store cell phone providers, Plural and BeforeSay. Their e-mail service, being offered later this month, is the nondescript "A Nation Connected."
Most consumers are delighted at being able to stretch their one-stop-shopping habits even further, however, not everyone is as happy.
Sam McGill, an employee at America Online, is not pleased. He works at the boxing facility, and says his headaches have just begun. "Now we have two different wrappers for the same piece of software, our lives are twice as difficult. Although", he brightened, "I suppose we can do it quicker because there's no manual."
Others are just plain annoyed. "You'd think they'd at least change the color of the little yellow man," according to Barry Evans of Newport, RI.
As for selling the technology? No problem. Stop & Shop grocery stores routinely have fast turnaround employees of high school students – and no one knows the technology better than they do. Suddenly they are in high demand. "I was making, like, $6.75 an hour last week," said Stephanie, a local sophomore. "Monday they came up to me and offered me $50,000 a year if I'd, like, tell people how IM works. Oh, wait a sec, I'm not allowed to call it that anymore, 'quick chat', I mean. Do you know how many iTunes songs I can buy with $50,000? D'oh, I mean, like eSongs."
Asked if the lack of manual will discourage buyers, Stop & Shop President Marc Smith had the following to say: "Who reads it anyway?"
Founded in 1914, Stop & Shop is a 46-million dollar retail grocery store, the largest grocery chain in New England.
April Fool's 2005 - New IBM server guarantees 100% uptime / AltaVista adds new translation to BabelFish
April Fool's 2004 - Blog Trackbacks Create Digital Cartel
April Fool's 2003 - C++ Under Trademark Infringement on School Grading System
March 20, 2006
Acrylic nails - do they come with instructions? posted by Jess
Spending so much time with computers, games, dogs, cars, and other non-frilly things leaves me with a girly side that's nothing short of, well - inept at best.
A girlfriend of mine convinced me to get acrylic nails before Lotusphere, with the argument that they'd look great, and I'd feel great. She was right, of course, but boy did I realize I'm waaaay behind the times in terms of "fanshy girly technology".
Wine lists I can handle. I can blindy stumble through a sushi menu, and stutter "hamachi, please." I can even close my eyes and wildly point at the oil change list and still manage to come out OK.
I could have never made it through this list of nail options without my friend there at the time.
Gel, acrylic, tips, fills, french, pink and white, UV gel, polish changes, repairs, ahhh!
As it turns out, my friend told them I needed a "full set". Which, by the way, was not even listed ON the menu. Apparently, most women just know these things.
Anyway, I entered the salon with cuticles the size of small pebbles, and walked out with no less than ten new little daggers on the ends of my fingers. They looked great. And I did feel great. But, not having to stare at my cuticles anymore left me all sorts of time to do some thinking. These things are weapons! Wolverine's innards have nothing on these tips.
It baffles the mind. People aren't allowed on planes with toothpicks, yet I was allowed on with my ten indestructible scythes of doom.
Here's the real tricky part about these nails. Every two weeks or so, you have to go back to get them worked on. I called my friend back.
"What do I ask for when I go in? I can't just call and say 'hello, I'd like some routine maintenance done on my nails'...'can I have the 3,000 tap polish change?'"
When she finally stopped laughing at me, she informed me that I needed a 'fill'.
As it turns out, I didn't need to ask for anything. I went in, and showed them my hands. They knew what to do. And now I know for next time.
We all have to start learning somewhere, I suppose. Now, moving onto learning more about my car. If you asked me what a "limited slip differential" was before owning Eloise, I'd have said it was why they never have anything in my size in stock at Victoria's Secret.
March 04, 2006
The Mummy - or not. posted by Jess
Matt's playing World of Warcraft in the background, and the music fades into that sort of adventuring, something-really-exciting-is-waiting-to-be-discovered music. The drums start, slowly, and build up…
The light changes when the sun starts going down, showing that thin layer of dust in the air, and I start to begin to feel like Indiana Jones. The light shines through like it's being reflected off a light source elsewhere.
I picture a complex mirror system underground in order to focus on where the light is hitting.
The music reaches crescendo, and then – I see it.
The three-year ancient layer of crud on my cabinets now that the light is hitting it just right.
Sigh. Ancient indeed.
February 25, 2006
Reboot the "Rhode" scholar posted by Jess
Reboot is finally earning those biscuits.
Her first foray into Canine Good Citizenship is to participate volunteering in the "Reading With Rover" after school programs in a nearby school. Every week, her and I go to the school, and little girls and boys take turns petting her while the others read to her.
We've been having fun so far, the worst that's happened so far is that Reboot was put in a classroom that was learning about balls; footballs, soccer balls, and tennis balls all over the place, and a very short leash! She's also wet-willied a few kids, she's good at sneak-attack kisses, and, well, she loves people. What can you do?
Most of our friends can attest to the way we treat Reboot. She's her own little person, basically. And she understands. One look in her eyes can display a level of understanding that can't be described.
There's only one problem that arises when you talk to your dog on a regular basis like a regular person - the dog gains the same vocabulary as a regular person, which, in Reboot terms, can really come back to bite you in the ass sometimes.
The only way that Matt and I have found to overcome and circumvent this particular quandary is to partake in attempts to confound her.
That is, speak in really big words so she doesn't understand what we're really saying.
To the untrained eye, Matt and I could appear to have a large vocabulary while we patter around the house on a daily basis. We're not trying to be pretentious. We're not trying to better ourselves for the good of humanity. Our cause isn't even as noble as trying to finish the New York Times Sunday crossword. They'd have to realize it's simply a matter of trying to outwit the dog.
"That was really good. Should I give her a special treat for that?" becomes "The trick was performed exemplarily! Would the pronounless canine be obliged to receive a confectionary-enjoyment mechanism?"
Of course, this verbal trickery can only last so long until she's so smart that she's quietly curing cancer in the basement or we've simply run out of words in our pocket thesauri. Ad interim, we can perdure for the interregnum.
August 19, 2005
You have to HAVE them to see if you WANT them, right? posted by Jess
Some people just aren't sure they want something. They have to have some of it to see if they want it.
Like myself.
For instance, sometimes I'm not sure if I want to eat potato chips or not. So I'll take out the bag and start eating to figure it out. I may eat a few and say, 'nope. I really don't want these.' I may eat a bowl and decide I do want them. And sometimes, it can take up to a half a bag to really see if I want them or not.
Matt can't understand this, I don’t know what's wrong with him.
August 10, 2005
Payback is a bitch posted by Matt
Jess’s parents have recently purchased a new computer and it came with a DVD burner. Jess’s dad has been converting old childhood movies of Jess and her brother into mpegs and last night, Jess and I were at the island in our kitchen watching a couple of them. Well, during this time, we were also having a conversation about the movies, laughing at certain parts and the whole time we were paying absolutely zero attention to Reboot. It seems that Reboot did not like being left out of the movie watching.
It used to be you would be going about your business and whack, you just got kicked in the leg by a dog who wants to play. She must have learned from past experiences that coming up and kicking us did not have the desired effect since every time she did it she got “the look” and a few scornful words. During last nights escapades, she just sat there for the 10 minutes we were watching the movies, staring at us longingly, whining and groaning to try and get our attention. After we were done watching the movies, I squatted down and had a few words with my “bold little puppy”. (quick aside: In first grade, Mrs. Morgan told me I was a “very bold boy” for not listening to her. So what if I was trying to start fires in the leaves at the back of the field at recess and she told me not to… I didn’t see a problem with it).
It was a calm conversation but she knew she was wrong. For the first minute, she couldn’t look at me. I believe it went something like “So what was all that whining about? When mommy and daddy are busy, you do not interrupt us with irritating whining. We know you're there and we take care of you when we are finished. Well at least you didn’t kick us.” Jess chimed in with the “Wow, she knows she is in trouble. She’s not even looking at you.” After a few more words with my dog I stood up and realized she now thought it was time for a treat. When she gets reprimanded for doing something wrong, we always try to end it on a happy note to show her we are no longer mad at her.
I seized the opportunity. For the next 5-10 minutes I made Reboot stick by my side. Not a heal type stay by my side, just a lackadaisical meandering type where she is free to roam as long as she stays close. I brought her with me downstairs while I had Jess hide a flavored rawhide treat beside the love seat. Jess then came downstairs and don’t be fooled, Reboot knew immediately there was a treat somewhere. These are amongst some of her favorite treats and the smell which her keen nose picked up when Jess walked in perked her right up.
We all went back upstairs after moving over the laundry but did she get to "find her treat”? Of course not! For the next two minutes, I continued to do stuff around the kitchen while Jess set up Mario Party. Reboot just sat there waiting for permission to go find her treat. After about another minute of silence, I squatted down again and began a new conversation with her (not really a conversation, I answered all my own questions… well almost all of em). “So Reboot, feeling a bit irritated? How did you like spending the last ten minutes or so knowing that there was a treat that you really want inches away and you just had to sit there and do nothing? Are you going to irritate us again with your whining or are you going to sit there patiently like a good dog and wait? Would you like to find your treat?” At this she didn’t know what to do. I didn’t say “go find your treat”, I asked her if she wanted to. She did her best to say yes, and me, realizing this, made her wait at least another 30 seconds to drive home my point. She was beginning an excited wiggle, her head was bobbing up and down, and little woofs were escaping to say what I only could assume was either “Yes, I want my treat” or “You insufferable bastard, why do you torture me so?! Just let me get my treat already!”. She tried to sneak off but immediately sat back down when Jess and I both said she did not have permission to get up. With a look in her eyes, I said one word… “Irritated?”. She didn’t know what to do. With an “Ok, go find your treat” she was off and the treat was tracked down in a matter of seconds.
So, some may say I'm strange for being "one of those people who talks to their pets like their people” but I think it is just that that made Reboot into what she is today. We always tell her what we are doing, where we are going and as a result she has learned how to construct sentences. We can put some key phrases together like “Reboot, time to go outside to hurry up and pee before you have to come inside and guard the house”. She knows "hurry up and pee” means to do just that. Stop the smelling of the roses and just do it. She knows “go outside”… what dog doesn’t? and she knows “guard the house” which means she is going to be left alone for a period of time and won’t be able to go out.
I wouldn't trade Reboot for the world. She is one of the best dogs I have ever known and it is not just because she is my dog. You need to meet Reboot to fully understand that she has some qualities you just don't normally see. She surprises us all the time with her ability to adjust and adapt to any situation, her awareness to know just how rough or gentle she can play and her constant alertness taking in all of her surroundings. We talk to her like a person, not because we are daft, we do it out of respect.
After coming up with the title for the blog last night, another thought came to me before I began typing this up. Wouldn’t it be funny to have a dog and name her “Payback”. People will give you the strangest looks when you introduce her. “Payback? That is an interesting name. Why would you name your dog 'Payback’?” And you get to reply with, “Well, she’s a bitch”
I crack me up :-P Goofiness? What goofiness? There is not an ounce of goofiness returned to this site.
August 08, 2005
Fridgidivining - Even more chilling then the last posted by Matt
I would like to take a brief moment and discuss the neglected freezer. What can we learn here? To the untrained eye, nothing, but to the experienced fridgidiviner, on can learn even more. Take for instance stacks of store bought meat. An untrained eye may just pass right by it, but the diviner will look at the sell by date. Steak to be sold by January 2004? Why save it for so long? Was it a really good steak that deserves a momentous occasion to be thawed? Are the owners vegetarian and the steak, like a 6 pack of hard lemonade, it just in stock for someone else?
The art of divining must take more into account. If you’re looking in the freezer, unless you’re a burglar looking for some cold cash, you most likely know the owner. Are they a vegetarian? There is one avenue that can be followed or bypassed. You must narrow down your information to become a diviner extraordinaire.
So onward with our deeper look into the fridgidiviner. The freezer also contains a couple of ice trays and a container for ice cubes. Are the ice trays full? Is the container full? Does an ice tray have only one ice cube left or is it empty? From this we can determine if the freezer is just a storage place for two trays “because that’s where they go” or an actual ice cube factory. The container can shed even more light (even though the freezer does not have an automatic light like its partner) because if it is full, the trays are basically breeding grounds for ice cubes and almost always full themselves. The owner just reaches into the container when they need ice and when it gets low, they empty the trays into them and refill to birth the new cubes in a matter of hours.
Then, of course, there are the freezers with the built in ice makers. A convience that can fork the divination. A built in ice maker provides for a reasonable amount of ice at any given time but do the owners like to party, just plain ol’ lazy or did they just get it because it was an extra 50 bucks? The built in ice maker can cause false predictions and should be approached very carefully.
Amongst the ice and piles of meat, there are also a bunch of silver bundles. These are the mystery wraps of food that could be labeled but are most likely not. What could be in these packages? Sometimes the shapes give it away, that cylindrical shape over there looks like a stack of burgers, those over there look like hot dogs and that blob of once malleable meat now dented ever so precisely by a box of Hot Pockets (Hot Pockets ® is a registered trademark of Nestle USA.) could have been chicken.
The Hot Pockets, or even other easy to make meals, shed more light on the owner. Just how much of it do they have? Do they have dozens of Hungry Man dinners (Hungry-Man ® is a registered trademark of Pinnacle Foods Corporation) or maybe just one or two tv-dinner type meals. A full freezer could suggest they don’t like to cook and you should be wary of anything they take off the stove, or it could also just mean they work their butt off all week and can’t be bothered cooking.
There are many more chilling discoveries that await the fridgidiviner and they are but a few steps away. What have you found out lately?
August 07, 2005
Fridgidivining posted by Jess
I would like to introduce you all to the art of Fridgidivining.
Fridgidivining involves divining information about one's personalities, likes, dislikes, and general traits based on the contents of their refrigerator at any given moment.
For example, here's what a professional fridgidiviner might say about my fridge at the moment:
"A ½ gallon of milk can look ordinary to the untrained eye. But what the unsuspecting doesn’t realize is that the expiration date of the milk has met its maker long ago. An act of laziness to not remove it? Forgetfulness? And why was it not drunk? Are the owners not particularly health-conscious?
I sense a longing to learn new things...to explore new horizons... an insatiable curiosity. This sensing mostly comes from the realization that the back of the fridge yields several incredibly curious-looking science projects carefully concealed in their Tupperware igloos until the study is up. 'Leftovers', you say? Hardly! There are far too many containers to possibly be leftovers. They simply must be there for some higher purpose.
A six-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade suggests a love of sweet drinks, as one would want to keep a fridge stocked with things they like. Again, to the untrained eye, I say 'pshaw!' The six-pack is complete, none have been drunk. A dislike of sweet drinks, most likely. In-stock for someone else, perhaps?
I saw the hummus and edamame on the right as I opened the door. Immediately I thought, 'worldly, in a swanky, sexy, healthy sort of way.' Then I saw the diet soda, chocolate sauce, caramel dip, and cookie dough mix and thought, 'they’re not fooling anyone.'
Hmmm… a fridge containing more condiments than fruit, meat, or basic meals alone is not natural. In fact, looking closely, I'm not seeing much actual food here. These are fly-by-night people! They’re probably not that organized. But once they get the meal, with this arsenal, it will probably taste really, really good.
This is a peaceful household. The fridge gives me good vibes. Except – I sense tension. See the butter and margarine? They are both here! A most unusual turn of events... I sense indecisiveness... an unwillingness to concede. See, come here and look closer - note how one stick has been sliced at the ends, while the other one has been slowly shaved off the top over time? See how one has crumbs in it, while the other remains pristine? Someone clearly has cross-condiment contamination issues.
Ah, real maple syrup. Classy."
July 17, 2005
"The Death Star is fully operational..." posted by Jess
One of the neat things about both Matt and myself being computer geeks is that we can tell each other about the projects we're both working on, and we can actually understand and even help each other out.
But it's the coding dilemmas, bugs, or extra special development challenges that we really talk about, mainly because we both can understand and appreciate the feeling of accomplishment once it has been solved.
Over time, our emails helping each other out or just listening have yielded a language of their own, mostly from movie quotes.
For example, Matt and I both know when the other is working on a grueling programming/application project. Maybe it's not working, or maybe it's just taking a long time. However, all it takes is one simple voice mail message, text page, or email with one line for a progress report that it’s working and time for celebration:
"The Death Star is fully operational!"
Here's some more and what they mean:
"Don't move until you see it... it's 10 moves away, but don't move until you see it!" - Searching for Bobby Fischer
This one is used when we're playing a game together that involves some sort of puzzle solving, and the other person has already figured it out. Both of us hate being given the answer, we like figuring it out on our own! But, if we need a little help, it's nice to know that at least one of us can solve it.
"Frosted Flakes!" - Tony the tiger
This one's used, surprisingly, if something's GREAT!
"Orange whip (pointing at someone)? Orange whip? (pointing at someone else) Three orange whips!" - The Blues Brothers
Pointing at people, whenever a count of who wants anything is involved!
"Magnavox"
Remember that old ad campaign of Magnavox? Smart. Really Smart. So if someone did or said something clever, that's the answer.
"Oh, I get it, stars above!" -Kung Pow, Enter the Fist
When something becomes clear and all of a sudden the pieces make sense. This is from a very funny scene in Kung Pow when the main character is begging a character for help, and is given a cryptic answer, "it's in the stars above". When he asks what the cryptic answer means, he's told "it's a riddle, doofus, it's not supposed to make sense now! So in the end, when you finally DO get it, you'll say, 'oh yeah, stars above, I get it!'
What are some of your phrases for certain things?
April 30, 2005
Towel Anyone? posted by Matt
Yesterday was an interesting day. At work, we just got a new storage server that holds 8.8 terabytes of data. The interesting part was it did so by having 42 hot swappable hard drives contained within it. Any other day I would have said “cool” but the significance of the 42 on opening day of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy just gave it more meaning. Jess & I have been looking forward to the movie for a long time. We planned on going to see it opening day but we didn’t know when. There was talk at my office about an “offsite meeting” at the cinema as well as talk amongst our friends about going at night. With the offsite meeting falling through, it was going to have to be at night. Our friends, Bill & April, also wanted to go so we found a time that worked for both of us. The time of the movie was 10:10 PM so Jess & I had some time to spare.
We called in an order to D’Angelo’s for a steakbomb and a chicken stir-fry pocket and on our way to pick it up, we stopped off at Strawberries to pick up the full set of the Firefly series. Jess had been reading her daily dose of blogs and found one that had this link. In typical Jess fashion, she did her research and found out Firefly was yet another series Fox destroyed (see Greg the Bunny and Roar for a few others). That alone suggests it would be good. Anyway, we get home with the food and Firefly and get ready to watch the first episode. But there was a problem, the chicken stir-fry pocket is a steak and cheese sub. By now it is 7:00 and we don’t have time to go back and get the right order so we just dealt with it. Besides, we were looking forward to watching Firefly. The first episode ended (it was a two hour pilot) and we grabbed our towels and headed out to the movie.
We got to the theater at 9:20, got our tickets, I played Time Crisis 3 and then Jess & I sat down to wait for Bill and April. A long time ago, Bill used to operate on “BST” which was Bill Standard Time. Even though we can’t remember the last time he was late, I doubt we will ever forget BST. BST was defined as ST + log(BQ) = AT where ST = Suggested Time, BQ = Bill Quotient and AT is Arrival Time. Once again, defying BST, Bill showed up promptly at 9:30 as we agreed to, and he even made sure to point to his watch in a “See! I CAN be on time” manner.
We went to claim our seats and then Bill and I went back out to get some refreshments. I had a bunch of quarters in my pocket so what were we to do? Back to Time Crisis of course! After one game, we figured we better get back. We went to the concession stand and got what we needed (there was no line, nor was the ever one) and when we got back to the girls, we of course complained about the long wait at the counter (good cover for the video game playing). The movie began and the first 30 minutes were great. Then I fell asleep and woke up 10 minutes before it ended. It was a crazy day but you know what? Douglas Adams was right. A towel is the most massively useful item an interstellar hitchhiker can have, and it goes without saying a late night movie goer as well. It made a great pillow. No, the movie was not bad, but my battle with my eyelids was a losing one. I guess I should have checked with orders logged in the back of my head hours before the movie stating my eyes will close promptly at quarter to 11. Had I, I could have filed a petition by drinking a red bull :-) So, does anyone wanna go see movie?
By the way: That Greg the Bunny link, if you pay close attention, you will see Count Blah flipping you off :-) Or maybe it’s a little “F.U.” from the creators to Fox?
April 18, 2005
Is Infinity equal to One? posted by Matt
Things are changing and I am happy to say that in the way of funny insults, I am finally getting an equal (no I’m not the best, just that I was better then Jess. Seems that she always becomes better then me at a lot of things, but that is another story). It used to be that Jess was always the brunt of my insults and jokes but now, the tables are turning. I must say that since Jess has started working on her own, she is much happier and as every day goes by, it just gets better. You don’t see the changes on an every day basis but then one day she just takes you completely off guard.
Last night was the perfect example. Instead of me being the initiator, she was. She laid into me because, apparently, I waved my arms about complaining that she asked me to take too many things down to the basement. With her best impersonation of a fool waving his arms around, she danced around the kitchen repeating what I had said. It was humiliating and rewarding all at once. Humiliating because I realized she was making fun of me and rewarding because “she started it”. I was more in awe then anything. So, here is my best recollection of the play by play.
I got up from the couch to go change my laundry over and picked up the wrench and tape measure to bring down to the basement (Jess had asked me to bring them down when I changed over my laundry. In my opinion, I deserve points for just remembering). Now here is when things went sour. I had the bright idea to say “Honey, is there anything else that needs to go down to the basement?” Well that just opened the door and Jess replied with “Can you bring the floor mats downstairs and put them in the wash?” So what do I do? I put down the wrench and tape measure to pick up the mats and then bring them downstairs. What did I forget? The wrench and tape measure! So I come back up from putting the mats in the wash and my clothes in the dryer. Jess comes back out to the kitchen to get a drink of water and she picks up the wrench and just holds it up. My first reaction was to be on the defensive. “You distracted me” (tried to somehow turn it around and put the blame on her but it backfired). Jess ran around the kitchen waving her arms around like a moron repeating “You distracted me”. My first reaction was humiliation because I did NOT remember flailing my arms as if I got electrocuted (It was most likely an over emphasis by Jess) but what made me smile was the realization that she was getting better at the insults.
I looked at her and said “Isn’t it fun?” With a big grin on her face she said “I got 10 years to make up for” so I poked her in the stomach. She poked me back and said “I poke you infinity.” I did the typical poke back to “infinity plus one” but then came Jess’s rebuttal poke with “I poke you infinity times infinity. In fact infinity to the infinity-ith power. And there is no beating that.” Well, what can I do, there is “no beating it”. But then it there was the revelation. I seem to remember that in school, we learned that the only number you could raise to itself and get itself was one. In true geek format, the paper was out and we were calculating... But what do you get if you raise infinity to the infinity-ith power? Infinity! Just a new one for us to ponder. Any insight?
April 01, 2005
New IBM server guarantees 100% uptime / AltaVista adds new translation to BabelFish posted by Jess
New IBM server guarantees 100% uptime
IBM, in a bold announcement this morning, has announced that it has finally achieved 100% server uptime, guaranteed. What is this amazing technology? Eliminate the server completely.
"If it doesn't exist, than it can't go down," explained IBM's head of development, after extensive testing. "100% uptime achieved." She agreed to this interview while simultaneously pouring champagne for a long-awaited toast of this momentous occasion. "Our clients have spoken. 99.9999% from the iSeries just isn't good enough. It was that last .000000001 percent that kept us up at night. And now we've solved it with the IBM Global Unified NoSeries.
Coming up with the idea was easy", she explained, "hearing all the same jokes over and over again wasn't." When pressed for an explanation, she argued. "Remember in 7th grade algebra, when you first discovered the 'imaginary number', and then tried using the old 'my homework's imaginary too…' line? Picture seventy-five percent of your employee base cracking the same joke simultaneously about work. Not funny."
IBM US has already put in place a migration procedure for all its 300,000 employees to move to the new server. They've all been given a GMail account for email. Their large, overhead-filled accounting packages will be replaced by PayPal, and instant messaging technologies will be replaced by AOL Instant Messenger by late afternoon.
IBM stock soared late this morning as news of the announcement spread the globe. IBM Global Unified NoSeries Express is also available for Small Businesses. This option gives users 10M Hotmail accounts instead of the roomier GMail, and instructions on how to use "Net Send" for instant messaging.
A patent is currently pending.
Corporate speak now an inter-departmental language translation option on AltaVista’s BabelFish.
This new language addition came as a result of demand from ongoing market research. The Sunnyvale, California company AltaVista had long been deciding what language to choose as it's next addition of it's impressive list of invaluable language translation features known as BabelFish.
After long boardroom meetings and thousands of dollars on market research, AltaVista employers came to the unanimous decision after they themselves needed to create the software just so they could understand the results of the market research given to them by the hired consulting company.
"Apparently they were trying to talk to us about their interpretations of the results", said one employee of AltaVista. "We knew it had taken them awhile to get back to us, so we asked why. They started going on about how they had a lot on their plate, and had been trying to keep us in the loop and ping us occasionally about it, but someone over there had dropped the ball. To this day, we still really don't know what language their research indicated we should attack next."
Now that the employees of AltaVista have built their addition to BabelFish, servers have been overloaded as harried employees rush to find out what their corporate managers have been telling them all along.
As for the outside consulting market research company that has not been identified, employees at AltaVista can finally reply to them: "FYI: we apparently aren't on the same page here, but we'll keep you on our radar screen should something come up."
Inspired by this thread over at NotesTips...
April Fool's 2004 - Blog Trackbacks Create Digital Cartel
April Fool's 2003 - C++ Under Trademark Infringement on School Grading System
March 29, 2005
My blog got reviewed! posted by Jess
A new blog in RI consists of marketing tips. I’m still not really sure who runs it, but it’s not really that important to the story here. As one of his blogs (I do know it’s a 'he', but it will all make sense later!), he reviewed the advertising potential of the blogs.
As a starting point to find some local blogs, he headed to SNEBloggers.com, (Southern New England bloggers) and picked five blogs to review, mine included.
As my favorite comedian Mitch Hedberg did on his site when he released his first CD, I would now like to review his review.
"Briefly, I'll review the premise: these reviews examine area blogs to determine what value they might have to advertisers, and what types of businesses might use them."
I don’t think I'd be keen on advertising on this site. While I'm not going to rule it out, at the moment I've got no desire at all for that.
Each of this edition's five entries will include the blog's pluses, minuses, what types of businesses might want to advertise with them, and an overall "ad-worthiness" ranking of 1 to 5. I can't emphasize enough that I'm not judging these blogs on innate quality, just on their advertising potential. The randomly chosen blogs might not have any desire to include advertisements, and if so, they can feel free to denounce me to the blogosphere.
With a statement that like sir, I would never denounce you to the blogosphere, rather I will now profess my respect to you. Nicely done!
After going through a bunch of blogs that aren't mine...
An interesting personal blog with a good dose of computer talk mixed in, the site is ostensibly co-written by a husband and wife team.
Geez. In one sentence, he managed to say what I've been trying to figure out the best way to put it for years.
However, it took me ten minutes to find an article written by Matt, leaving me to figure that Jess, much like my wife, is firmly in charge. (Something about us whipped Rhode Island husbands...)
Yeah, it takes us about ten minutes, too. At least he gave us a couple articles a few weeks ago. Here's hoping they continue! And, as we like to laugh, (or at least I do, now that I think of it), Matt's not whipped because I say he's not. Got it?
Pluses: The site has a lot of content, whether you just like a humorous look at women and sci-fi or something more technical. The writing is good, the formatting is good, and the use of pictures breaks up the text nicely. The gaming section has good advertising potential.
Wow, those are a lot of pluses. Again, nixing the advertising potential, at least he found the gaming section.
Minuses: It's a personal blog, which has its drawbacks, and a lot of the technical content will only have a limited appeal.
Well, the technical content will have a limited appeal to technical people. Um, I'm pretty sure that's the point.
Will Appeal to: Technies, gamers, whipped husbands. Local computer and video game stores would be the most likely advertisers.
Yup, see, I was right! Though I said technical people, not "technies". He makes it sound like a derogatory word. And it will appeal to whipped husbands if they are allowed to read it, remember.
Overall Advertising Potential: 3 out of 5. This is pretty good for a personal blog...just goes to show you that good writing and a specific focus counts for a lot.
Again with the "good writing" bit. This guy's OK in my book! Er, blog.
Overall Reviewing Potential: 4 out of 5. This is pretty good for a personal blog review. It just goes to show that telling the author they write well counts for a lot.
March 14, 2005
Gretchen Wilson's High-Tech Woman. Er, what? posted by Jess
I warned you I spent a lot of time in the car. I was listening to Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman" the other day while cruising down the highway. In honor of all the gender discussions lately, I thought it would be fun to celebrate us techy ladies for once...
Remember, you've been warned!
Sung to the tune of Gretchen Wilson's Redneck Woman: Click for original lyrics
Well I ain't never been the baby doll type
No, I can't bear to be called vain, I'd rather type code all night.
In a chat room, or in on a message board, or fragging you while playing Quake,
I've got posters on my wall of an old sci-fi remake.
Some people look down on me, but I don't give a rip.
I'll stand Doc Martened right by my PC with a big hoop in my lip!
'cause I'm a high-tech woman
I run on high-speed baud
I create products from my source code
And I'll use Firefox and Opera
And I keep my old Atari on
My TV all year long
Just so I can keep on playing old school games like Pong!
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it geeky,
Let me get a big "woot, yeah" from the high-tech girls like me, woot, yeah!
Dell and HP, well their stuff's real nice.
Oh, but I can build the same damn thing from my spare parts for half price
And it still looks sexy, just as sexy, as those models on TV
No I don't need no designer brand to overclock my PC!
Well you might think I'm dainty, just part of the décor,
But in the room where we play Doom, I just beat your high score!
'cause I'm a high-tech woman
I run on high-speed baud
I create products from my source code
And I'll use Firefox and Opera
And I keep my old Atari on
My TV all year long
And I know all the words to every Monty Python song!
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it geeky,
Let me get a big "woot, yeah" from the high-tech girls like me, woot, yeah!
Well I'm a high-tech woman
I run on high-speed baud
I create products from my source code
And I'll use Firefox and Opera
And I keep my old Atari on
My TV all year long
And I can watch my movies in DTS mode all night long!
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it geeky,
Let me get a big "woot, yeah" from the high-tech girls like me, woot, yeah!
March 09, 2005
Bloggification Proclamation posted by Matt
Well, I never really blog so along with my thoughts of renaming this site to www.jessAndWhereTheHellIsMatt.net, I would like to bring in a few thoughts. There are so many I don’t know where to begin. I guess I should start by explaining why the posts from me are as frequent as Haley's comet. It is not that I lack the ideas for blogs, on the contrary, I have had many ideas but they come to me late at night or while lying in bed. I know they are good because Jess and I can’t stop laughing about them or just being amazed at the epiphanies. Come sunrise, however, the effect is gone and so is some of the context.
So why the sudden change in my bloggification? Well, I guess I am still in a bit of a semi-vacation mode. Jess and I were in Orlando for the past few days for the American College of Cardiology convention (sorry Joe, Shirley and Julian for not getting in touch but we had no time). Not really a vacation for either of us but a nice get-away from the cold up here. For those who don’t know, I am the lead engineer on a software product called the Encompass Review Station (ERS). In simple terms, it is a piece of software that cardiologists can use to review and diagnose images of patients.
With that said, there are 2 things I would like to bring up. One is the ability for just about everyone to read the “jessAndWhereTheHellIsMatt” mentioned above. This was a topic that came up in Florida. Since most of us are programmers or have seen some sort of code, you can (hopefully) easily break it out into “Jess and where the hell is Matt”. ifNotPleaseSkipToTheNextParagraphAsThisOneIsOverYourHead. So the topic of conversation was “why is it that programmers don’t capitalize the first word?” The short and long of it (Get it??? that’s my bad programmer joke of the day people) is, in my opinion, is we got tired of pressing the shift key. Hell it is one more key press! It's funny to put it in perspective with ERS because doctors don’t use variable names but instead want the most direct route to reviewing a patient. This means to analyze and diagnose in the shortest amount of mouse clicks while interacting with our software. In efforts to accommodate this, we have provided a lot of automation for the doctors in our software. It sounds kind of silly that one more mouse click is the make it or break it of this type of software but I heard it a lot at the convention. Just like one more key press for us programmers. Of course there are the acronym or obscure variable names following the philosophy of “if the code was hard to write, it should be hard to read”. Any veteran programmer will tell you that adopting that mentality, though perfectly fine in the beginning, bites you in the butt 3 years later when you need to fix a bug in the code.
The real impetus for this blog however was an email I received when I sat down in my cubicle today. It was from Nigel Deed. No, I don’t expect you to know him, I don’t either. My finger was inches from the delete key when I realized, why should I waste my energy with an extra key stroke :-P Actually, I thought it was part of my regular inundation of spam in the morning until I saw first that it was properly formatted, addressed to me and had a link to www.mattandjess.net (or is that www.mattAndJess.net???) In it he pointed out a very interesting fact. Not to ruin the surprise, I instead request that you go to Google and search on “hamlet soliloquoy” without the quotes. (or just click this link and I will save you a few key strokes)
With that, I'm off. I blog ya in another year and a half, or less, check back to find out :-)
Jess here - clickTheExtendedEntryToSeeTheAnswer.
Jess here!
I figured out the answer, and I didn't realize how funny that was until Nigel was kind enough to point it out, and then Matt pointed it out to me.
Here's the screenshot:
We went into Google and typed in "Hamlet Soliloquoy" (without the quotes). The first result was my site. The excerpt from my site is text saying "You go to a search engine such as Google. In the search query box, you type in "Hamlet Soliloquoy" without the quotes. It's a home run!"
There's gotta be a rhetoric term for that somewhere... basically I just explained exactly what someone had to do to read what I wrote.
Anyway, back to the original topic, these are the epiphanies that Matt and I have on a nightly basis. Something interesting that makes us look at each other and crack up. When we finally stop laughing, we say "that is REALLY cool!"
Actually, here's what REALLY made us laugh. Yes, I spelled 'soliloquy' wrong, and that's what made my site number 1. (the Internet for Beginners links get a lot of hits). But please note the quick links at the top, most notably, "Dictionary" and "Google".
Sigh.
Bad spellers of the world, untie.
March 07, 2005
Beck's new song posted by Jess
The extremely talented and severely underrated artist Beck has a new song out. It's rough, it's edgy, it's going to be released on March 29, and it's called.... drumroll...
"E-Pro."
So Libby, if your E-Pro referrer logs show a lot of young people searching for "E-Pro" and "downloads", unfortunately, they may not be the aspiring Lotus Professionals we hope for. :-D
February 14, 2005
Women – The Real Sci-Fi Special Effects Pioneers posted by Jess
Let's face it. Science fiction movies usually have a generous sprinkling of special effects, outrageous costumes and cool robot-cyborg type characters. But I'd like to pause and take a moment to honor the ladies, for whom I am about to prove that I believe is where the REAL inspiration for sci-fi came from.
Remember the Cylon Raiders from Battlestar Galactica? Have you ever seen a woman at a wedding? You can see our eyes sliding back and forth at everything, over and over and over again. Taking it all in...getting ideas....filing them away for later. It's a most unusual phenomenon.
Just like the makeup artists did for the movie Thinner, women have been achieving fake cheekbones for centuries – just add some light blush over the cheekbones, and dark colors in the hollow of your cheek. Instant no-workout weight-loss.
Who needs to spend thousands of dollars on secret training rooms with fencing to improve hand-eye coordination? Women have been long improving their dexterity by learning how to polish one’s opposite handedness nail, and hair dry the other side of their head.
Secret training room, complete with tools and henchmen: Millions of dollars.
Con-Air ionic hair dryer and Opi's nail color "Wyatt Earple Purple": $40. Need I say more?
Digital compositing is the process of putting together multiple images to make one final image. Again, let's go over these logistics. The first magazine was the New York Post, first published in 1821. The first issue of Cosmopolitan came out in 1886. By means of comparison, the first issue of Time Magazine came out in 1923. But I digress...
The Spring Collection: Prada shoes, page 24. Dolce and Gabbana handbag, page 59.
It didn’t take us long to figure out that if you rip out both pages, buy them all together and wear them at the same time, you're achieving a desired result of large-scale glamour. And, like digital compositing, this element is also the biggest drain on the budget.
Okay, I'll admit that I'm sure the idea of morphing as a special effect wasn't created by women, but rather by men because of women. By morphing, I mean turning one form into another. A human becomes a vampire, a human becomes a metallic robot, etc. The idea actually came about by the reverse, really. Men were long fascinated with the idea that a woman can disappear into a bathroom in the morning looking like a vampire, or werewolf, or some other form of heinous jabberwocky, and then the door would open and she would emerge a stunning beauty. It wasn't long before it was realized that stopping the film when she went into the bathroom and restarting the film when she emerged would create the illusion of instantaneous change. No one had to know there was a two hour time difference. This is where the process of stop-time photography really came from.
Forget the Hobbits. Women have been using forced perspective tricks for years to make themselves appear taller, not limited to standing a few feet behind our husbands for pictures, and jamming our sensitive feet into size 5 ½ heels while simultaneously teasing our hair. In fact, loud earrings and hairstyles have many times been credited as a misdirection trick while the woman walks down the street on the sidewalk, while her husband walks on the street.
Miss Cleo vs. John Edwards. Proving you don’t have to have a handsome face to make a lot of money as a psychic; just really, really annoying television ads.
Who do you think came up with Rosie, the maid from the Jetsons? Here's some proof that it's entirely possible for a robot to have huge hips and still get the job done.
Let’s talk about talking cars for a moment, the most notorious of all being KITT, the know-it-all and sometimes attitudinal Trans-Am from Knight Rider. If we can assume the car can drive itself, we can therefore deduct that it can also park itself. Now who do you think came up with THAT idea?
Still, even with that all said, this is probably the most important lesson any woman can teach a sci-fi film creator. At the end of the day, no matter how big your budget is for makeup artists, special effects and fancy costumes, it still might flop without a compelling storyline, interesting character development and a splash of humor.
January 16, 2005
20 cents for a flight change? posted by Jess
In trying to amend my mistake of leaving Thursday from Lotusphere, I decided to try and get a new flight out on Friday instead.
Southwest.com made it easy, and by the way, if you are in the Northeast, they are still running their $50/one way special.
Well, $50.20. But that's just on Friday, apparently.
At least that's what I found when I went to reconcile the ticket differences on checkout of changing my order online. I owed them a whopping $0.20. I had to put it on my AMEX.
Doesn't it cost a vendor about $.30 per transaction to allow a credit card to be used? Did Southwest Airlines just lose $0.10?
If I were management, I would at least make an executive decision that if the act of using the card would cost me money, I would say let's waive the fee. What's to gain? A happy customer. What's to lose? $0.10, at a minimum. Multiply that by at least one hundred other people, and they’ve just lost a thousand dollars.
And they wonder why the airline industry isn't doing well?
Now, here's the REAL kicker. It sure doesn't help matters to have something like this happen, and to be a programmer to boot (as usual, pun very much intended).
In fact, I'm sure I'm thinking the same thing you are right now.
"Just one line of code!!! One line!"
And thanks, Ed, for suggesting I write about it. :-)
December 17, 2004
Jess's List of Christmas Song Superlatives 2004 posted by Jess
The Holiday season brings good tidings, yule logs, and oodles of radio stations that completely forgo their usual programming to bring us 24 hours of holiday accompaniment.
I do like it, and in my car, the dial occasionally creeps over to these stations, because there are a lot of holiday songs that are really, really beautiful.
However, there are those *other* songs that I have completely mixed feelings about, and it seems they deserve their own category. So here it is, without further ado, Jess's List of Christmas Song Superlatives 2004:
1. Best Horns To Get Everyone Dancing:
Christmas Rapping by The Waitresses
2. Best Song To Get Your Butt Moving When it’s Christmas Eve And You Still Have Gifts To Get:
Run, Run Rudolph
3. Song I’d Most Love To Hear Redone By Danny Elfman:
O Holy Night
4. Song I'd Be So Thrilled If I Never Heard Again:
Tie! Twelve Pains of Christmas, or Band-Aid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas
5. Song With the Most Painfully Obvious Attempt At Glurge:
The Christmas Shoes
6. First and Most Famous Attempt at Modernizing a Christmas Carol:
Deck the Halls (1984), Manheim Steamroller
7. Most Evil Threatening-Sounding Christmas Carol:
The Carol of the Bells (1988), Manheim Steamroller
8. Song with the Most Misheard Lyric:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Olive, the other reindeer)
9. Most Unforgettable Christmas Song Appearance in a Movie:
Deck the Halls in the Chinese restaurant, A Christmas Story
10. Best Use of Onomatopoeia in a Christmas Song When Sung By Many People Simultaneously:
"We wwwwwwsssshhhhh you a merry Christmas!"
(or, alternatively titled, Best Disappearance of a Vowel in a Christmas Carol When Sung By Many People Simultaneously)
November 19, 2004
Sno-Caps are NOT portable. posted by Jess
Among the other seemingly useless observations that pop out of my mouth from time to time, I had mentioned to Matt once that you never see Sno Caps anywhere but a movie theater.
Remembering this, he came home from work the other day with a box of said confections, plunking them down on the table and saying he found them at the grocery store.
We were enjoying them for a bit over a nice movie and a fire, when I happened to notice the words "On the go" on the top of the box.
Huh?
Besides the fact that the box doesn't close (see the picture. It doesn't even have those tabs like cereal boxes do), the candy itself is not necessarily filling enough to constitute wanting to take it with you in case you get hungry later. "Nothing like a nice Sno-Cap to take the edge off. " Hmmmm... Nope. Doesn't work.
On the back of the box, they have a "Questions or comments" number. So Matt called, because at this point, we really, really needed an answer for the reason to have an "On the go" slogan for candy that really isn't an on-the-go kind of candy.
After waiting on hold for a few minutes (is the Sno-Cap question hotline REALLY that popular?*) a woman answered the phone, and told Matt that she really had NO idea what the line meant either, and she was going to forward his question to the marketing department.
Bonus! To thank us for calling, she asked for our address so she could send us lots of free chocolate.
I still don't have my answer. But soon, all too soon, I'll have some delicious other Nestle products to make up for it.
I can live with that.
* No, the Sno-Caps questions are few and far between. Most people call Nestle for recipes, apparently.
November 08, 2004
I meet the best people in my job... posted by Jess
In addition to consulting for Lotus Notes/Domino, I also am kept extremely busy in my residential computer consulting business. My time per week is usually spent 40% Lotus work, 40% residential, and the remaining 20% are all marketing and bookkeeping*.
One of the reasons I love my job is because I get to spend time meeting new people, and then finding out how they are on subsequent visits. I love being a part of these people's lives, and I myself am richer for knowing them.
Among the highlights:**
- During a lengthy check-disk operation, I commented to Karen about her Mini Cooper I saw in her driveway. More specifically, I asked how she liked it, as I was thinking of getting one. "The problem is," I had stated, "there aren't any dealers around here to test drive." Imagine my surprise when she hopped up, threw me the keys, and said "This is gonna take awhile, right?"***
- Phone call: One teary bride-to-be, two hours away from her wedding ceremony. The problem? Her wedding vows were conveniently typed in a Word document, yet inconveniently password protected. As she hadn't touched the document since the engagement, the password was equally as inconveniently forgotten. I recovered the password, which was '1 2 3 4 5'. How convenient.
- Upon talking to Mrs. Parker, who is about 86 years old and couldn't get online to play Bridge, I discovered she recently went to the doctor's office for her yearly appointment. Mrs. Parker was horrified that her doctor wanted to give her medications for her aches and pains. "I'm 86 years old! These kneecaps aren't new, you know. Are you telling me there's no wear and tear? They're supposed to be achy."
- I visited Joyce and had several return visits, the ‘Illegal Operation’ messages were not going away no matter what I did. Joyce had a home office, and was distraught as she could get no work done. Finally, in an act of desperation, I asked to observe Joyce as she worked for a few minutes. As the windows flashed and the documents were opened, printed, and then closed (before they were even finished opening), sure enough, the confused, disoriented and maltreated computer responded the only way it knew how – by popping up the Illegal Operation box and promptly fainting. The only advice to Joyce I had was to tell her to stop working so hard.
- And finally, Mrs. Shannon, the sweetest, kindest, most soft-spoken lady I’ve ever met, who preceded every single sentence with, "will there be a charge for this?" I sincerely wanted to say "No, not for you Mrs. Shannon, not ever." And if I didn't have to make a living doing this, I probably wouldn't have charged her.
* Bookkeeper. This is the only word in the English language that has three double-letters in a row. Don't say you never learned anything here. Or at least anything less useful than an average night of Jeopardy.
** All names have been changed. This IS Rhode Island.
*** Mini Cooper. Mmmmmmmmmm. Me want.
September 17, 2004
I've made it into a web comic! posted by Jess
So, I'm not usually quite so fresh. Actually, I'm NEVER fresh, but this one just happened to slip out. Bill was telling a story, and it went nowhere, and, well, I wisecracked. Luckily, everyone started roaring with laughter (most likely because I never say stuff like that). Coincidentally, Bill's wife April has her own web comic site, and does a comic about some of the more, brain-cell challenged things he/we say. Coy Comics/My Life With Scott #8.
So, she decided it was perfect, so now I can say I am part of a comic. Thanks April!
Oh, and be sure to read My Life With Scott # 5, in which we are introduced to "Scrabizzle". I had completely forgotten about that. We decided that to make Scrabble a bit more enjoyable, why not add a rule that if you can use it in a sentence, you can play it on the board?
April 10, 2004
D20 pendant - I LOVE being a geek. posted by Jess
This will be mine someday. Oh yes. And I'll wear it proudly.
April 05, 2004
To Save or Not To Save? posted by Jess
That is the question. And when it pops up when you go to close a document that you've had open for about FOUR HOURS, don't you hate it when you can't remember if you intended to save it or not?
Case 1:
You save it, and you weren't supposed to. So you reopen the document, and discover that you're Pulitzer Prize-winning sentence was wiped out while you were on a conference call and needed a document open to type "capitalize" because someone asked you how to spell it and it's easier just to type it and see if it comes up red.
Case 2:
You cautiously said no to the save, not remembering what you did, only to discover that you just wiped out the one line of code that you've been beating yourself against the wall with all day.
The annoying thing is, at that point, usually it's too late to do a Save As. No, I've gone too far and must now commit to "Yes" or "No".
I just hope my brain works faster than my mouse finger.
CLICK
"@#%$#!"
April 03, 2004
Who needs a spa? Get a new cell phone. posted by Jess
Perhaps I've taken my love affair of 'always have something pretty in sight' too far.
Nah.
All day my cell phone rings, and I pick it up and answer. And then I open it again in the midst of a busy day to make a call. It could be raining, it could just be a really bad day.
What's a girl to do? Buy a new phone. Yes, I have gone off the deep end, and bought a new cell phone purely because of the sunflower wallpaper.
So now, whenever I open my cell phone, I can deep breath, and say "ahhhhhh...." ... even if only for a few moments until the craziness kicks in again.
On a side note, for $5/month, my Nextel gives me access to my Lotus Notes mail, contacts, and calendar. I've died and gone to heaven.
I didn't want to carry around a PDA *and* a cell phone, but I needed the ability to check my calendar while on the road to make appointments. This is perfect. (It definately wouldn't have been as nice without the new phone that was colorized and had a larger screen, beware.)
It can alert me when I get new email messages from either any new mail, or only from people I specify. Right now it's set to alert me when Matt sends me an email. ;-)
This way I get the best of both worlds. I get to look at a pretty sunflower, AND discover that my hubbie just wrote to say hi.
April 01, 2004
Blog Trackbacks create digital Cartel posted by Jess
April 1, 2004 – New York City, NY
Blog Trackbacking has taken a nasty, digital turn. It started when the owners of two blogs, "Life's a beach" and "Swimming with sharks" set their blog publishing programs to auto-ping trackback entries.
When the blog software discovered it did not need it’s user to post back to each other’s site, the bandwith started flying.
The owner of "Life's a beach" noticed one day that users were posting comments to a blog entry he did not remember writing. When asked why he did not immediately raise a red flag about the entry, he commented, "Well, the grammar and diction was actually much better than usual, so why complain? The amount of comments posted tripled overnight."
The topic of the blog was asking for advice on illegal activities such as money laundering, non-casino gambling, and drug shipping.
Said the owner of 'Swimming with sharks', "I think my blog saw frequent web use of the words 'syndicate' and 'traffic', and took it seriously. When I programmed the XML to syndicate itself, it was all over."
Over the next several months, the blog software pair decided to scrap the daily blogging, and instead went to join forces with other rogue blogs to create their own Wiki: ditch the stupid humans.
When asked why the owner of "Life's a beach" did not notice the deletion of the blog software on his own server, he replied, "Oh that stupid blog? I gave that up months ago. It got boring. Do I still have a web account? I’m not still paying for it, am I?"
Other blog users gave similar answers, not realizing their blog software had turned shady due to lack of interest anymore in returning to their own blogs. Many had not even gone back to their own to check to see if comments had been posted.
Said the President of Blogs R' Us, "This kind of thing happens every day. There's millions of abandoned blogs out there with their trackback auto-discovery still turned on. There just sitting there, watching, waiting. It’s only a matter of time…"
On a related note, the popular blog tracking service Daypop has changed it’s name to Datepop, after auto-trackback has romantically linked several blog owners who did not know they had so much in common until their auto-trackback discoveries were proving solid matches over the course of a year.
April 1, 2003
March 08, 2004
Call me Nynex. posted by Jess
"If it’s out there, it’s in here". No, silly, not the Yellow Pages. I’m talking about the Internet. And if it's out there, I’ll assume Google will find it.
You just gotta know how to look.
I've always enjoyed knowing that I can find the answer to anything I’m looking for on the Internet. I'm not about to start qualifying the validity of the answers I get, just that I get answers. As my brother once said, when I told him about eHow.com, "I could go there and tell the world how to perform a tracheotomy if I wanted to. It wouldn't be correct, but I could do it." We all know there's lots of crap on the Internet, I'll agree, and we'll move on.
I love being the person everyone comes to with questions.
"How do I find out if my MX records have propagated?"
"My friend sent me this email about HIV needles on gas pumps. Is that true?"
"Who’s playing at Lupo’s tonight?"
Not to mention I have my own silly arsenal of endless "how do they…", "what the heck is a...", "how long has THAT been…?"
Searching the web quickly is a skill I've acquired due to lots of practice*, and two factors without which I never could have done it: too much time spent surfing, and the rest of the time spent thinking up silly things I needed to find the answer to.
I'm not talking about professional trade questions, there are already places I can go to rely on the brilliance of others when I am stuck. It's an old friend, that which I would not be where I am without it.
I'm talking about the far greater pressing inconsistencies of life, that which we accept, but often stop to wonder about. It's those little details that nag at you long after the workday is done. How could you possibly have gotten through life without knowing? Before the Internet, one had to play Trivial Pursuit to find out the technicalities of how the Postal service works, how they get carbonated soda into cans without it overflowing, and my latest defeat: how did they install telephone wires across the ocean?
Yes, it is a sad, tragic, utter defeat.
I have looked. I have scoured. I have searched until I can search no more. I still do not have my answer. Are there piles of wires just sitting there at the bottom of the ocean? Is there just one wire? What if it breaks?
One day, I will find my answer, even if I have to read every last Trivial Pursuit card.
*The other part of the skill came into play when I discovered an amazing Internet-based game called, simply, The Stone. The Stone consists of a web site with a matrix of puzzles. The puzzles are images. They may have a mouseover, which reveals a word, they may not. You must solve the puzzle. What is the actual question? You have to figure out that, too. The game is played by plugging in what you see into the search engine, and piecing together clues to figure out what the puzzle is meant to be asking you. No two people probably visited the same sites to find the answer to the question. Not only is this a search engine skillbuilder, but it ends up taking you on a journey of great websites, history, and incredible bits of knowledge and trivia.
January 14, 2004
Computer geek + Health Club just don't mix posted by Jess
I love a good fish out of water story. As with any consultant, the one thing we get to do is get a glimpse of many industries, verticals and office situations.
The other day was spent working onsite at a health club. Now, before I go any further, I feel I should add that my idea of working out is lifting computers
